Ok like most everything else in my life lately, I’m nervous and I don’t know how to start this. My name is Mel first off, married 13 years to a fantastic hubby although he can annoy the crap out of me! Although I know dealing with me hasn’t been a walk in the park for him. From meeting him, we have gone through diagnosis of PCOS (probably no kids), to needing open heart surgery for a mitral valve repair (def no kids), to dealing with depression that has been with me for apparently a long time. Honestly I don’t know why he sticks around sometimes. I feel like of all the ones he could’ve picked he got the dud. I’ve spent years having extreme self doubt, no confidence in myself and putting myself down. I have had people use me to the point I’m just plain burned out and broken.
I grew up in a home with a mom who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It was never formally diagnosed but in this case is classic text book. Upon reading “Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing daughters with Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride gave me a lot of info to be able to identify the problem and how to deal with it but to a point. I have felt for years I’m never good enough and constantly have to try to go above and beyond. I often let myself go because I’m so busy trying to be the good daughter apparently everyone else can see that I am.
I started seeing a therapist when hubs and I were first married because I was out of work and felt I was depressed but was just put on meds that made me a complete insomniac and didn’t do much of anything except make me numb. I didn’t like that feeling. Over this summer (of 2015), I got to the point I was crying before I even left work (a whole different blog someday) and continuing as I drove home and considering destructive behavior. I didn’t feel like me anymore, just a worn-out shell of what I had once been. I wear black pretty much all the time now because I feel like it forces people to not pay attention to me. I was talking w/hubs (I’ll refer to him as J) and later my best friend (A) about it and decided once and for all to get help. It took me a while to even find a therapist but I became extremely lucky. I love my therapist and I’m so grateful I made that first step and lucky to have those in my love who love me enough to encourage me to get help.
This blog will be my sounding board for various issues. Dealing with my depression, my vents/rants, funny stories, maybe a recipe or 2 (who knows) and my journey through life. I hope you enjoy traveling down the road with me!